Monday. New Returns to the Same Me.

Okay, so I gotta keep staying up and working hard. I have to realize that I am just fine as I am, that no one wants to change me.

I read an article on Sean Parker today in the NYTimes. Of course, the guy sounds horribly insecure, and he just wants people to like him. And you know, the thing is that I'd already read this from a previous interview with him in Vanity Fair, well, I think he's really into drugs. He likes the idea of expanding his mind, no matter how it comes.

And I'm not going to say that's wrong. I would decriminalize weed in three seconds if I were in charge. But it's just not something I want to be a part of. I feel weird because then it makes me sound insecure and close-minded. I'm not that way. I'm a secure person--I know who I am and am very accepting of others. There are experiences I don't want or need to have in my life--based on how I see myself and what I decide for me. The key is this: I decide. No one wants to change me, at least no one that I care about.

Yesterday was great because I talked with my girl, all of my family, and my two best friends. I love keeping in touch with those people, and they keep me grounded and feeling strong. I need to stay strong. Both me and my girl have said and done things we regret--but the important thing is to stay positive, to remember the good things, to feel confident about who we are and where we're going.

Look, I can't love my girl because she makes me feel secure. I can't love her because she validates me as a person. I can't love her because she makes me feel like I'm okay. I need to do those things by myself, on my own. That's why I'm here writing here and now: I know that I am a great person just the way I am. I know that I am okay, that I am working hard to be a better person and have a good future. I take those things, I feel good about I am, I realize that I am absolutely incredible, and I walk with her and we have fun and we are happy doing cool things.

That's how it works. If I feel like she makes me feel bad, then I'm out. If I feel like she makes me feel like I'm not okay, then I'm out. She's not doing that stuff though. She knows I'm amazing, I know she's incredible, and we want to have fun and live a good life together. That's what it's about. It's about my feeling great about who I am and where I'm going, as well as where I've been and how I feel about it. I can't wait for her to give me to okay, or for my well-being to be contingent on her approval of me. No way.

As Lupe Fiasco says, "If you are what you say, a superstar, then have no fear. Your time is here."

Yesterday was great. I talked with good people, went to work, took it pretty easy, had a good conversation with my brother too. No, I don't smoke anything or do drugs. No, I don't really want to. I accept that about me; in fact I really like that about me. No one else has to do it, just me. I just want to be with good people and have fun with the people I love.

I know who I am. I am a young man working for justice, for peace. I am a young man who loves to have fun, eat good food, be active and travel. I am a young man who is on a journey--spiritual and physical--to be a powerful educator who works well with kids. I love who I am because I feel like I can do great things being me. I love soccer. I love working with good people. I love being with my girl not because I need her to feel good about me or to feel complete or whole. No, I like being with her because we have fun together. We do things we like to do together. That's it, that's all. That's who I am. I don't need to let hookah bars or Sean Parker or anyone, not even my family or my girl, make me feel bad for who I am. I am me. I finally realize what the therapist told me earlier this year. I need to have more faith in me. I need to realize that I am an incredible person. I have done so much, tried so many things. I have talked with so many people, been so many places, that I let them distract me from who I am and what I really want. I need to come back into me and go forward. I need to get out via through. I need to Robert Frost this shit. I am good. I am happy. I have so many people who do good things for me. That's great.

love. love. love. self-love. self-respect. love. respect.


I am a non-conformist. I am original. I am unique. I am special. I am beautiful. I am me. I am just fine.