Wed.

My girl is here, sleeping. She got in last night. It's been great so far.

Sometimes it still astounds me how much she loves me, how much I love her, how much we deserve to be together. It's time to make the moves so that we can be a couple, a real couple.

She was telling me about her friends, about weddings and parties. I think a deeper reason why before I used to feel insecure about all of this was that I was unsure, or at least, so messed up in my mind, about whether she loved me or not, whether this was worth it, whether it would last. I was feeling insecure about the relationship, and thus I felt insecure about being with her friends, being in her world.

Now it is time to feel good, to feel better. To realize that my girl loves me, to realize that her friends also love me, and me for me!, not because I am anyone else. That is important. That is me. I am worth it. I am an amazing person.

This makes me feel much better about everything, about us, about her friends, about her. I know that she loves me. Not because she has never loved before, but because she loves me. For who I am. That's good. Reason to celebrate.

I decide. I am good.

In honor of NYC, my home.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzORRh6lzg4

A great song by Beirut. "East Harlem."

Tuesday: My girl comes!

 Okay, so my girl is in the Miami airport right now. I'm exhausted; I've spent the entire day (except for lunch with a friend) cleaning the apartment, running errands. I bought groceries, went to the dry cleaners, did laundry, cleaned the apartment, went to the bank (twice), bought wine at the wine store, bought flowers, ironed all my dress shirts, and am now chilling out in front of my computer with a beer. Phew. And she hasn't even come here yet!



I'm looking forward to her visit a lot. I want to have a lot of fun with her. She's a great girl, and I want her to feel that. I want her to feel loved, and I want her to really have a good time here. There's so much to do! There's so much to see. Of course, I'm looking forward to the late mornings in bed and the kisses and back rubs and stuff, too :)

I've made two resolutions for the New Year: 1) Stay positive; 2) Have fun. I want to be with her on a permanent basis. I deserve it, she deserves it, and we as a couple need to go for it! We can do this!

So while she's here I want to stay positive and have fun. When I head to El Salvador I also want to have fun with her, her family, our friends, and the people I have grown to love there. There are a lot.

I've decided to finish my program here at NYU in 1.5 years instead of two. It's what I want.
I've decided to sign civil union papers with my girl so that we can begin to live our lives together.
I've decided that it's time that I be happy, truly happy, that I fight for what I want, that I stop trying to be strong, stop trying to be independent.

Why? Because I'm strong, independent, and my own person already.

I decide how I want to live. I want to be happy. I deserve that. I am happy, actually. I like who I am, who I am becoming, the process I'm in, the life I'm preparing to live. I like all that about me.

It was a good holiday. I got to see my family and spend time with my niece. They keep me positive, remind me who I am, what I want, where I come from. It's important to remember that, always, even when I'm not at home. I think I can do it.

One of the things I like best about my girl is that she helps me be happy in the giddy, silly sense of the word. I like that.


I'm listening to the new Beirut album "The Rip Tide." It's amazing!

Nelson George's article in the NYTimes on current African American cinema is awesome. I saw him speak at the Brooklyn Book Fair this fall.

So listen. I know every once in a while I mess up and say stuff I shouldn't. Last night I reacted poorly to my girl because she was talking forever and she mentioned taking a shot of tequila with her buddies and it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way because I was at home here reading, doing nothing, and I think I get jealous.

Yet I'm getting better. I get stronger every day. I get more confident. I build, crescendo, I move, sans bravado, I know who I am, comprendo. I am doing this. I am ready to have fun with my wonderful girl. She is amazing. I will call her right now, finish this beer, put on my jacket, get on the train, and wait for her to come see me. I have an amazing life. I have earned this, worked for it, deserve it. I like it. I love it. I love me. I love my girl. I love this.

Family portrait :)

Great video. Beautiful song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Lucky and Adventurous

My father mentioned today that my girl must be pretty adventurous to still be with me. It's true! After all, I am from a different country in a new city and not exactly sure of where I'll be in three years. I can't offer her the certainty some dude from her own country and her own financial situation could offer her. Sure, I've got my gifts--got a whole lot of them--but it's important too to remember that I'm lucky to be with a girl willing to take risks.

I forget about that sometimes. You know, sometimes I forget about how she is taking a big risk. I should remind myself how incredible she is for betting the farm on me, so to speak. She is investing in me, in us, and I really appreciate that. For her, it would be easier, I'm sure, to just call it quits and get someone closer to home.

She must, then, recognize that I am an amazing person. I need to believe that more often. I need to realize how amazing I am, how talented and passionate and good I am, not only for her, but as a person in general. I have so much to offer, so much so that she is willing to take a big risk with me. I'm no superstar, either, so it fits to say that she really loves me, she's really putting forth her 100%. I need to be more thankful of that. I need to realize how great it is to be with someone who really wants to be with me.

Of course, I am daring as well. I am an amazing person who also is betting a lot on her. It would be easier to dump her and set my sights on a girl from NYC. It would be easier. Yet I know we love each other, I know this is worth it, and I know that I am getting stronger every day. She's at a dinner party right now with some friends; I hope she has a great time. I don't want to worry about whether she smokes or drinks or anything. I know she is a great person, capable of sacrifice, capable of weathering the storm for me, capable of a lot. I am the same. I am a great person, I am willing to take some hits, I am capable of so much. I like knowing that I am an amazing person with so much to offer.

I like knowing that I love me--in fact, I need to do it more often. I need to love me more. Today--maybe because I'm tired--I felt a little negative, a little worn down and pessimistic. It's a constant process. As my friend Errol said, it's one of working to be better every day, a process of having a positive attitude, a positive approach, every single day.

Yes, I want to be happy with her. I want her to be happy. I want us to be happy together :) I want to go to El Salvador with my head held high, happy and proud of myself. I want to do the same thing with her: find some town to live and make a happy home where we are both fun and free and in love. I want that. I can do that. I deserve that. It will work! I am happy to be me. I know that if I am true to myself and in to me, I can do great things, just by being me. One of those great things is loving a great woman.

That is my New Year's Resolution. That is my life resolution. I am ready to try. Oh, my girl, I love you :) Here we go. Day by day. God, give me strength. Me, let me just be me. Free. Me. Love. Respect. Love.

Pics:)

Always remember that family and your girl are the biggest blessings, the biggest loves, of your life. Relish that!

My niece!

It feels great to be home.

Thinking ahead.

Here in the plane heading to Kansas. It's weird: I look outside and see nothing. This solitude was so common for me in El Salvador--the stars late at night, the quiet mornings, the feeling of being alone. Yet in NYC, it's something I never experience. It's caught me by surprise, and it makes me think of the plains of Kansas I knew in my adolesence, the forests of Washington, the hills of El Salvador.

I think I am getting stronger. So much of this depends on approach, on attitude. I have done good things in NYC. I have made some great friends--yes, I have! Errol, Athena. Owen, Hiro! I want to get more involved in #OWS, I want to be a good student teacher, I want to be good on long distance with Viole. I want to support her. I want to go to London 4 the summer. I did well in my classes! I did very well. To be honest, I think I'm one of the stars of my program. I have my own ideas, have passion, have experience. I am doing things right.

I think of my upcoming trip to El Salvador and sometimes get nervous about it, about being with my girl's friends, about being in bars and going out and doing all of that. The key is to feel good about me, to stand strong in my identity and sense of self. I am amazing, and I want to walk there smiling, happy to see people, happy to be alive and doing what I like to do.

Yes, I am here. I am coming more fully into me, into my identity. I am not alone. I am loved. People care about me. I feel good about going to El Salvador; it is the right thing to do.

The therapist in El Salvador was right-- I need to be doing something good, be around people who understand me. With my friends, my brother, my work, and my beliefs now stronger I am doing that. My time in El Salvador is about sharing with people who were part of my process of becoming. They are part of a great time I spent with my girl. I am happy to revisit and share with them again. At least, the people who were part of that, well they are part of who I am. They are who I need to see.

The kids in the Resi
My family and friends in Chalchuapa
Armengol, Silvia, Cristian, Simon
Edwin, definitely Edwin
Emily and Rofo
Ruben

These are things that I decide. I used to shun hanging out with my girl's friends because it made me feel awkward and left out. But, they care about me and support me. I'm not one of them, but I want to have fun and laugh. Stay strong and true to me-- I got too far away from that. I am an amazing person.

I used to only wanna be w/ my girl's family because they were tame and took good care of me.

But look, I'm realizing two things: one, I am amazing and two, my girl is a good person and so are her friends. They are fun, smart, caring people. They don't want me to be or say anyone/thing else. I am great just as I am. I am amazing and doing great things!!! I think they know that. And you know what, they are good people, too. They are honest, fun, and willing to love and support me. I want to support them, too. I am a person who is complete, who is fun, who is a really positive force in a lot of lives. I will continue to be so.

So, I just stay strong in who I am and who I am becoming. I celebrate with those who have shared with me. I walk forward. I walk forward.

All of this can be great and fun and love if I want it.

Love. Respect.

Forgot...!!!

Foster the People
Phoenix

Favorite music groups

The Format
Ben Folds
Bon Iver
Lupe Fiasco
Stars
The Head and The Heart
Kanye West
Sufjan Stevens
Explosions in the Sky
Counting Crows
Bjork
Edwarde Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Cafe Tacuba
Calle 13
The Black Keys??? We'll see :)

I just wrote my girl a nice note on her Tumblr saying how much I admired her personality. It's true, but it also makes me feel good to support her. Its important for me to remind me that she's a good person and that I am as well. I am a great person, capable and smart, caring and brave, nice and passionate. I support her. I support myself. I love her, I love me.

Listen to that music as much as you can.

Coffee @ Think Coffee, NYC

Meeting with Carla, which is s good postive thing for me! Stay strong, stay good. You're done!!!

I should take a bit of time, really, to reflect on all I've done and learned this semester. I've done a lot, met some great people. I am getting stronger, realizing who I am and growing into me. I like me for who I am, what I do, what I love. I need to stay up, stay focused on bringing all if me into the world. I am a great person, faithful to my beliefs.

I bought tickets last night for a show in March here in NYC, The Head and The Heart. More on that later; Carla's here. Stay positive! Stay strong! Stay you!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/55908828@N05/

Here's the link for photos of the Cathedral of Saint John the Divine. An amazing church!

Cousins and Church

Saw my cousin for the first time in a couple of years. It's funny how she and her partner haven't changed at all. He's got longer hair and everything, but they look pretty much the same.

They're doing well. They invited me and my girl to spend New Year's Eve with them, which is great. New Year's Eve has consistently been my least favorite holiday of the year, mainly because there always seems to be a lot of pressure and parties and stuff I'm not really that into, like getting piss-ass drunk. So, the idea of being with my cousin and her boyfriend's family friends seems like a good idea for me and my girl. I called her and asked her about it, and she said she was down for it. That's great; it's a big load off my mind, and I feel much more capable to focus on more important things.

I went to St John the Divine today, at 111th and Amsterdam. It's an amazing church, and it has my favorite artist's last painting there (Keith Haring). I love the piece, and it's great to just find these hidden treasures in New York. There are not too many cities like this one in the entire world!

We got a hint today to sell our computers just a few minutes ago. It seems sketch, and I'm worried about it. I don't want to give away my address or any of this stuff...it just seems a little dicey. Plus the email the guy sent me had a ton of typo's on it...I'm kind of worried it's just some spammer or some dude that kills people for their stuff. I don't know what to do.

Anyways, the good news is that I'm setting myself up for success. I feel like my cousin will give me a good opportunity to have fun at New Year's. I feel like I have a great life. I mean, look at what I do all day. Today I work on a paper in the morning, eat, then go to an amazing church, see amazing art, talk with my cousin, have a beer with my brother, talk with my girl, and come home to work on this paper. I finish, and tomorrow I will fly to go be with my family. I can't complain about too much. After suffering for so long, it's time I take a long hard look at things and realize that I've got them pretty good.

 I am fine just as I am. Lots of people love me. Lots of people care. I am a good person. My girlfriend is happy with me and I treat her well. My family loves me, and I love them. I am an amazing thinker, a smart person, and a fighter for justice. I am good. I respect myself for who I am and for who I'm trying to become. I am an amazing talented individual. I am fine just the way I am. No one is trying to change me. I love me. I respect me.

Mas fuerte de lo que yo pensaba

Aleks Syntek y La Gente Normal-- great song

Here are the lyrics. Remember them.

Hoy me llevo bien con mi soledad
puede ser mejor el quererme más
pues así, ya no te estoy pensando
no podrás romper mi corazón

Ahora yo quiero vivir conmigo
sin preocupación

Soy yo, más fuerte de lo que pensaba
sin mi, ahora viviria en la nada
soy yo, más fuerte de lo que pensaba
sin mi, ahora viviria en la nada

Todo olvidaré, sin guardar rencor
sólo habrá atención donde este mi voz

Sólo así, quiero seguir soñando
y poder latir mi corazón

Ahora si, quiero vivir conmigo
sin preocupación

Soy yo, más fuerte de lo que pensaba
sin mi, ahora viviria en la nada
soy yo, más fuerte de lo que pensaba
sin mi, ahora viviria en la nada

Monday. New Returns to the Same Me.

Okay, so I gotta keep staying up and working hard. I have to realize that I am just fine as I am, that no one wants to change me.

I read an article on Sean Parker today in the NYTimes. Of course, the guy sounds horribly insecure, and he just wants people to like him. And you know, the thing is that I'd already read this from a previous interview with him in Vanity Fair, well, I think he's really into drugs. He likes the idea of expanding his mind, no matter how it comes.

And I'm not going to say that's wrong. I would decriminalize weed in three seconds if I were in charge. But it's just not something I want to be a part of. I feel weird because then it makes me sound insecure and close-minded. I'm not that way. I'm a secure person--I know who I am and am very accepting of others. There are experiences I don't want or need to have in my life--based on how I see myself and what I decide for me. The key is this: I decide. No one wants to change me, at least no one that I care about.

Yesterday was great because I talked with my girl, all of my family, and my two best friends. I love keeping in touch with those people, and they keep me grounded and feeling strong. I need to stay strong. Both me and my girl have said and done things we regret--but the important thing is to stay positive, to remember the good things, to feel confident about who we are and where we're going.

Look, I can't love my girl because she makes me feel secure. I can't love her because she validates me as a person. I can't love her because she makes me feel like I'm okay. I need to do those things by myself, on my own. That's why I'm here writing here and now: I know that I am a great person just the way I am. I know that I am okay, that I am working hard to be a better person and have a good future. I take those things, I feel good about I am, I realize that I am absolutely incredible, and I walk with her and we have fun and we are happy doing cool things.

That's how it works. If I feel like she makes me feel bad, then I'm out. If I feel like she makes me feel like I'm not okay, then I'm out. She's not doing that stuff though. She knows I'm amazing, I know she's incredible, and we want to have fun and live a good life together. That's what it's about. It's about my feeling great about who I am and where I'm going, as well as where I've been and how I feel about it. I can't wait for her to give me to okay, or for my well-being to be contingent on her approval of me. No way.

As Lupe Fiasco says, "If you are what you say, a superstar, then have no fear. Your time is here."

Yesterday was great. I talked with good people, went to work, took it pretty easy, had a good conversation with my brother too. No, I don't smoke anything or do drugs. No, I don't really want to. I accept that about me; in fact I really like that about me. No one else has to do it, just me. I just want to be with good people and have fun with the people I love.

I know who I am. I am a young man working for justice, for peace. I am a young man who loves to have fun, eat good food, be active and travel. I am a young man who is on a journey--spiritual and physical--to be a powerful educator who works well with kids. I love who I am because I feel like I can do great things being me. I love soccer. I love working with good people. I love being with my girl not because I need her to feel good about me or to feel complete or whole. No, I like being with her because we have fun together. We do things we like to do together. That's it, that's all. That's who I am. I don't need to let hookah bars or Sean Parker or anyone, not even my family or my girl, make me feel bad for who I am. I am me. I finally realize what the therapist told me earlier this year. I need to have more faith in me. I need to realize that I am an incredible person. I have done so much, tried so many things. I have talked with so many people, been so many places, that I let them distract me from who I am and what I really want. I need to come back into me and go forward. I need to get out via through. I need to Robert Frost this shit. I am good. I am happy. I have so many people who do good things for me. That's great.

love. love. love. self-love. self-respect. love. respect.


I am a non-conformist. I am original. I am unique. I am special. I am beautiful. I am me. I am just fine.

Saturday, #OWS, Astoria...struggles but today is different.

Yesterday I participated in civil disobedience with #OWS and got arrested. I spent about four hours in jail but feel great about it. Here's an article about it on the New York Times.

I feel good about who I am and what I stand for. I passed under the fence and asked myself on what side would Jesus be. I was not scared, was not nervous. I was happy to have the opportunity to stand up for what I believe in. You can see me in the photo above, but I will let you figure out which one I am.

Barca won 4-0 against Santos of Brazil yesterday as well, proving it is the best club on the planet. As if we didn't already know :) Messi scored a couple of goals, which is great. I love the guy. What's crazy is that he's as old as my younger brother.

I talked with a couple of friends once I got out. One told me I was crazy but the others definitely supported me. I told my father this morning and I hope he feels okay about it.

After getting out of jail and talking to some really really nice #OWS people (the movement has ALL of my respect), I went to a party in Queens with some buddies from NYU. That was great--it was a pretty chill party with beer and cookies and some dancing but only just a little. I was tired.

My girl called me at like 4 in the morning because she had gone back to her hotel room. I am happy she had a good time at the wedding. I'm sure she smoked, but whatever. I am focused on doing me and being the best person I can be, so I'm not going to let that worry me. What's more, she's a good person and it's not like she got super wasted and was throwing up on the bathroom floor. I missed her last night a lot, but I am happy she had a good time at the wedding. I know she put a lot of effort into the food she took there and was stressed out about it all. It's also good for her to have a good time and party and do her thing. She doesn't do it all the time, and it's good every now and then. I had a good time at the part last night--didn't get home until about 3.

I am happy for her, that she's with her friends and has a good life and is good. I know that I am a different person, unique, and that my situation is also unique and what I struggle with right now is tough, but it is preparing me for a better tomorrow. I am working to become a better person, and everyone has their demons. My buddy was talking about how it's been hard for him to break out of his shell this year. So, you know, he also recommended that I never compare my life with my girl's, and that's solid advice because it doesn't lead to anything. I don't try to compare them--I know we have completely different stories and histories and personalities. Sometimes I feel bad because I am often alone and she is often not, but that's just how it goes. I knew that when I came here--that I would have to deal with being alone and this experience was going to be about my becoming someone better and stronger. This is what's happening. Every day I feel stronger about who I am. Getting arrested yesterday only further proved to me how brave and strong I am, how I am willing to fight for what I believe.

So, the answer is not to feel bad about her not calling or to feel jealous about her opportunities to be with people. I also have my share of amazing opportunities to do amazing work and be with amazing people here in New York. I am an amazing person doing amazing things here--working hard, studying hard, trying to be better, trying to work for justice,o trying to stand up for what's right. These are things in which I can take pride, these are things that are forming me into someone stronger. Last night when my girl told me she had smoked, well, I didn't really get bothered by it. I chose to ignore it as best I could. Sure, it's kind of disappointing or whatever, but I also recognize that she is at a party and with her friends and it is not always like this. I also recognize that she has a lot of things that are wonderful about her--her generosity, sense of humor, grace--and these things win against her smoking.

I know this is a busy time for her, and I don't want to raise the expectations. I want to be good. I want to be strong. I want to be better. Look at who I am.

I am a young man interested in soccer, social justice, faith, education, and doing right.

Doing these things every day--realizing that I am great and that my girlfriend is also a great person--is important. We're different people--different culture, religion, tastes in music--but I think there is more to it than that. We like cooking, we like traveling, we like art, we like to have fun. These are things we have in common, and I know that after a year of being together our commonalities are greater and more than our differences. I am happy that she is having fun. I am happy that she is enjoying life; I sure as hell don't want her to be sad. I don't want to be sad, either--I need to be happy and good, not make her sad. I am working on that, day by day! I am positive :) I am an amazing person. Day by day!

Went out tonight, had a good time. We went to Carnegie Hall to see my brother's girlfriend in a choir concert. It was kind of lame, but the opportunity to be in Carnegie Hall is always a good one, so I had fun. Beforehand, my brother and I ate dinner at some burger place. We always seem to have good conversations.

After the concert we went out and had a few beers with my brother's girlfriend's friends. I told the story of how I met my girl and it made me feel very proud of who I am and what I fight for. I am a brave, incredible person. I am great. I am someone who fights for what he believes in, and that is to be commended.

I need to stay positive. I called my girl at 1:00 thinking she would be asleep or alone and wanting to talk with me, but she was with a family friend drinking beer. Sometimes I get a little upset--jealousy I guess--because I feel like she doesn't suffer like I do. I think she must, though, in her own ways. Maybe not at the same times as I do, but it can't be easier. Arguably, I have had to overcome more obstacles in my life and deal with more adversity, but I guess that has made me more capable and hopefully, more confident. Plus, it's good for her to have fun. It's good for her to relax and enjoy herself. After all, I did it tonight :) We all need it, it's good for us. I just wanted her to miss me. I suppose that's normal; I was feeling a little lonely and sad. She passes through those moments as well. And just because I feel bad does not mean the solution is for her to feel bad.

The solution is for me to begin to feel better. That takes more work, for sure, but the real solution is for me to feel better about myself. To realize that I am great, that I have a good life, that I am doing the best I can and am seeing results. That I have friends, that I can be happy. That I am loved by a lot of people and that a lot of people love me for me. That's inspiring. That's good news. People care about me, and my girl loves me too. So, that's a good thing--I can use those things to realize that I am just fine as I am, that I don't need to change for anyone, and that I am amazing. Like the girl at the bar said tonight, I'm amazing. That's something to remember! That's something to make me happy :)

I can be happy, I really can. I know it's hard as hell. I know it requires work. But I can move to fathom the amount of love people have for me and internalize that, and use that to make myself feel good.

Good night.

Good luck.

Thank you to everyone who loves me.

Today has been a positive day.
What has helped?

Plans with my brother
Listening to music I like
Writing a lot and reading
Doing meaningful work
Walking outside
Eating good food.

Things to keep doing, for sure.
I love who I am. I love who I am.
Have to stay positive.

So remember that this is the letter that you wrote her and can write and be positive and hopeful.




Hola mi amor,

Espero estes bien y que las cosas del trabajo te esten yendo bien!
Acabo de terminar con mi clase....voy a ir a almorzar ya y regresar
aqui a la biblioteca para terminar mis deberes. Mi hermano vendra aqui
a las 6 y saldremos a cenar juntos. Hoy en la noche la Sarah tiene un
concierto en Carnegie Hall, donde ire a verla. Es bonito, la verdad.
Ella pertence a un coro voluntario y una vez al ano hacen un
concierto. El boleto me costo unos $50. Nunca he ido a Carnegie Hall,
entonces estoy emocionado por la oportunidad.

Otra cosa buena que supe en mi clase ahora es que podria calificar
para una licensia bilingue--en ingles y espanol. Eso me dara la
capacidad de ensenar ambos idiomas en segundo y tercer ciclos aqui en
EEUU. Me encanta la idea, especialmente porque no tendre que tomar
ninguna otra clase, solo pasar dos examenes. Me voy a enscribir a ver
que tal. Me emociona la idea...me dara mas oportunidades, seguramente.
Quiero sacar el jugo de todos los anos que pase aprendiendo espanol!
Eso es lo que hace mi amigo Bruce en Wilmington, Delaware. Estuvo
conmigo en Cuerpos de Paz y hoy da clases de espanol. Le pagan bien,
tambien.

Estoy muy feliz por vos--me parece que tenes un monton de
oportunidades para divertirte, y eso es muy bueno para vos :) Me
alegra que tengas tantas cosas que hacer, la verdad, y es bueno estar
feliz en el tiempo navideno! Se que te preocupas por los gastos, pero
ni modo ;) Cuando estes aqui haremos las cosas bien--gastaremos en
comida y diversion, pero en hospedaje nada, transporte nada, y el
CityPass nos ahorra un monton de dinero.

Nosotros vamos a estar bien. Me alegra tambien que sintas positiva hoy
:) Se que has de estar cansada--pelar camarones y la fiesta de JS--dos
noches ocupadas. Pero, agarra animos! Es viernes. Ya casi termino con
mi primer ciclo de posgrado. Como me ha ido tan rapido el ciclo! Podes
creerlo, que estoy 25% terminado con mi maestria???? Estoy orgulloso
de mi mismo. Siento que voy a recibir buenas notas tambien.

Pues, cuidate mucho. Estare aqui en la biblioteca en la tarde :)

Friday. Tough AM, getting stronger.

This morning was tough. I couldn't sleep last night, so I was up until around 2AM tossing and turning, running thoughts through my mind, turning them over like prayer beads, flipping them like coins, trying to figure out how to feel about it all.

This AM was tough because I talk to my girl and she tells me about a ton of parties and friends and lunches and I feel a little left out of it all. I don't have any of that coming up here.


I do have, however, a good brother with whom I'll eat dinner and see a show tonight. I also have a party that I'll go to tomorrow. I have some good times here, and my friend Anthony is with me in the thick and thin of it all. I am a smart man and a talented one and my professors know my names and I like being in school. I just found out today that I can get certified very easily for teaching Spanish grades 7-12. That's awesome. I just have to pass two fluency tests, and with all of my time in El Salvador and my good Spanish I'm not worried. That would be nice--to walk out of NYU certified to teach in two languages! That would be great--having studied in New York, London, and also being able to teach English and Spanish. I'm going to do it--it requires no extra coursework. #Goodnews ;)

***

So I have to keep doing me. I have to keep having faith in me, my life, my talents, my goodness. In my heart of hearts, I am happy my girl has a lot of good opportunities to have fun. She deserves it! We all do. I can't worry about jealousy and lament my situation as too difficult--I like knowing I'm doing the best thing for myself right now. I like knowing I'm challenging my beliefs and trying to be the best teacher I can. I like how I have the balls to take leaps of faith.  I can't worry about what my girl does--I have to trust that she will do her life as best she can. I can only do me as best I can. She's there in El Salvador going to weddings, having fun, eating and going to parties and living in her community. That's good. I am happy for her; after all, I wouldn't want her to be unhappy, and I certainly wouldn't want her to have no friends, no life, no goodness. We all need that.

So I guess I just have to stay up, keep doing me, keep bringing myself, my whole self, into the world. Every day. It gets hard--it's never been easy--but I am learning. I genuinely feel that I am getting stronger and better and more positive. I genuinely feel I am growing and learning more about myself and having faith in who I am. I am an amazing person. I am everyone's equal. I am just fine just as I am. All this stuff about my girl's smoking, partying, whatever--you know, I just gotta keep doing me. I don't think she's a bad person. I know she has good values and wants to be with me. She loves me--that's the most important thing to remember--that she loves me. I think we'll be fine.

I've been wrong on this one. I've been unable to see how good I am. I have to realize that. I have to accept me, and I think that will help me accept her.

I am fine. I am good. I remember once that someone in Kansas told me that I had to have more faith in my beliefs and stand up for what I believe. To be confident in who I am. I am. I am doing that every day. I am trying every single day to be that person, that young man from Colorado that has been a lot of places and met a lot of people and changes a lot of lives and loved and been loved, hurt and been hurt, learned and taught. I am a young man, 26 going on 27. I am a fighter. I am a fighter. I am working on this every day, and I know that I am doing my best right now, oh yeah. I am doing this as best I can right now. I got good music on my computer right now, I am about to eat and then finish this final, I am doing as best I can in all of this. I am TWS. I am TWS.

Her smoking--she can have her smoking. It shouldn't make me feel bad because she's doing something bad or being someone else. She's not--smoking for her is something she does when she's having fun. She deserves to choose and to have fun--that's cool. I can't mess with her right to choose, to choose whatever she wants. I don't need to focus on that or let it distract me. I just have to focus on accepting me for who I am. She loves me. I need to remember that, too. She loves me. She loves me.

She doesn't want me to change. I don't have to like Woody Allen or Bourdain or Stereo--in fact, I don't. I don't have to agree with her on everything; there are so many other things we have in common or can do together and we have a love that I feel is genuine. Genuine as in real. As in authentic. What that mean? That mean I gotta be as authentic as I can. With myself, with her, with everyone.

With that: authenticity, as my goal, I'm going to march out into all of this. My girl has a good life, I am struggling with mine, that's how it is. But I still have to be authentic, I still have to be real and authentic and know in my heart of hearts that I am incredible, that I am amazing, that I am a good person exactly as I am and that I can love the shit out of myself.

I am getting stronger. I don't care if I repeat myself, or contradict, or do anything. I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong in this space, my space. I am trying to get stronger.

Nick said

Nick asked me if I had smoked before...I said yes. I asked him and he said yes but that he had never really liked it, said he did it to fit in.

Yeah, I said. I never liked it.

Don't, he said. It's stupid. You're not missing anything.

He told me to be cool with me. He told me to be at peace. I will take his advice and be at peace with my decision.

BTW, there's a protest for #OWS this Saturday. I'm going.

Thursday. Any given. day to turn this around. Turn day. Change day. Welcome to my week.

Listening to right now: Lupe Fiasco.

I love Lupe Fiasco. His new album Lasers is great, but The Cool is classic. I am listening to Intruder Alert right now.

At my home eating arroz con leche and an egg sandwich for dinner. Oh, the days of being single and living alone :) Man, there are benefits! I also deserve props because I did not buy anything today. Doing that living in NYC is a challenge. No food, no nothing.

So my girl and I had another argument today. It's all been around the fact that she smokes, and I don't like that. She told me today that what she wants to protect is her right to choose what's right and good for her. I shouldn't have anything to do in that.

I have to admit, she's right. I rarely admit it, but she's right about this one. So how do I get over it?

Now that I think about it there are a lot of things about her that I don't like. I don't like her taste in music, I don't like Woody Allen (she does), and I hate Anthony Bourdain (she loves him). I don't really like her ideas about UFO's.

These things are not the end of the world. The key is my own self-security and feeling good about it and doing me.

The secret is doing me while still loving her. How?

Accept her as someone unique and different. Before that, though, I need to accept me for me. I need to be cool with my own beliefs. All of her things about smoking/Woody Allen/ music--they all hit at insecurities I've had about my own life. Sure, I've tried cigarettes, but only when I was trying to be someone I was not. Sure,  I think smoking is seriously stupid, but I must respect peoples' right to do it. The same thing about drugs--I would legalize weed if I could, but I don't want to smoke week. I would do it to stop the countless deaths and insane violence across the world and because I don't have the right to tell people what to do with their bodies.

Not even, and probably especially, my girlfriend.

Anyways, I'm getting off point. Stick to my guns: I need to remember to love myself above anyone else. Love starts here. Loving someone else is probably a practice in democracy more than anything else, perhaps the way to practice being tolerant and loving and equal.

But Jesus it's hard to do!

One day at a time. I resolve today to really seriously try to work this out. To not just accept my girl, the good and the bad, but also celebrate her. I believe she is a great person, that she is a wonderful lover, that she is someone with whom I want to be. I get that. Celebrate that, celebrate her.


and CELEBRATE MYSELF. Remember Whitman, remember the awesome person I am and the wonderful life I have. Yeah, I got problems: loneliness, work, studies, long-distance, new and big city, questions bout what's next. Yeah, but I got gifts: generosity, compassion, intelligence, humor, health, passion, love. I am loved and I love a lot of wonderful people. Let's celebrate that. Let's celebrate that. No more worries about differences--they can all go away when we realize what's really important. Love, love, love, love, love.


 I can be the person I want to be. I am the person I want to be. I am the person I have been waiting for. I am the cool. I am a laser. I am everyone's equal. I am Tim, unique, imperfect, perfect, crazy, brilliant, funny, sincere. Let's go.

Interesting article on a mysterious kidney disease in Central America.

The Best Way Out is Through

Okay, so Robert Frost once said that the best way out is through. That's a great thing to say, especially with questions about relationships.

In most cases, I think the best thing to do is not to just give up and throw in the towel when a relationship gets tough. Mostly, I'm thinking of my case re: the long-distance relationship I have with my girl. I can't just give up--as tempting as it is--because it's really hard to be far away.

Being far away makes you question everything. Being far away from people and places of comfort also sometimes makes me feel insecure. Being exposed to new things makes me feel weird sometimes, too, especially if I don't like them.

The thing to do with all of this, though, is not to get so insecure as to throw away the relationship, or to cut off the ties. I need to take a look inside, reflect, and remain focused on my goals. I need to realize the beautiful life I have here in New York City! I need to realize the kids are really pretty amazing and their beef with authority is just that--one with authority, not with me. My goal is to show them that "authority" can be good, fun, and worth their time. otherwise, spending a whole life fighting it, well, that gets old fast.

I know I'm not the next saint. I'm 26, going on 27. I'm in a master's program at NYU. I live in NYC and am trying to get the most out of it. I am trying to live my dream and do me in the best way possible. I'm trying to stay true to what I want in life. I have to be in charge of that. I have to do me the best I can! It is sometimes lonely but I think I have done a lot. Too many people have told me not to change, to keep being me. I have to believe them and do it. I can do it.

Stars and Love

I really like the music group Stars. They're from Montreal. Your Ex-Lover is Dead is one of my favorite songs.

On another note, I am slowly working here in this space on becoming more positive. Let's think of some things I really like to do with a special someone:

Eat
Beach
Cooking
Dance
Party
Sleep
Watch movies
Read
Drive
Go to new places


All of these are things I have done with her and really loved it.

Part of feeling capable to love is feeling capable to do anything in your life. It's about feeling capable about everything--capable of being happy, feeling secure, having fun, making friends.

I have struggled with these things in the last couple of years, but I have always done very well in all of them! I need to have more faith in my own capabilities and identity. I need to be able to look at people and not feel threatened or insecure of who I am. I do not need to be anyone else. I do not need to be anyone else. I am fine as I am. I am fine as I am. I do not need to be anyone else. I need to remember that I am a great person.

I think a lot of this has to do with being in environments that are different from what I am used to. That's good--it helps me see the diversity and incredible beauty of this world. This I most certainly have experienced. I have also seen a lot of stuff in the last few years that has sort of rocked me. So, how to be secure in who I am in the midst of a lot of challenges? Well, the only way to get around all of this is to:


Alright young brother so you bring alot to the conversation. Hell you are probably in a completely different place now . So I gotta go home but I will say this, you have to do what you have Set out to do, love will drive you crazy, it's the most beautiful feeling ever, and will take you out if you don't check yourself and keep your eyes on the prize. The prize is how are you going to bring your total self to this world. Have some fun , work hard be the guy that we all know and love and ALL will be well.  You are my guy always, maybe we can talk soon.

New Challenges, New Blog. New.

I've left El Salvador in many ways. It's still in my heart. I still keep in contact with many friends there. My wonderful girlfriend still lives there.

Yet it's not the same. I'm no longer in the Peace Corps, haven't been since July of this year, one that's quickly coming to a close anyways. I no longer live in San Salvador. I still speak Spanish everyday, but that's because of where I am now: New York City.

I am at the close of my first semester here. It's been good. I student teach in the Bronx, am taking 13 credit hours in a graduate program of English Education at New York Education, and live with my brother. We have a wonderful apartment. I have maintained a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend over the months even though we are far away. She comes here to New York City soon. I have been reaching out and making new friends in school. I am working hard to become a good teacher in my school. I want to do well.

These experiences have had their share of difficulties, but I've learned the best way to get past things is to go right through them, to go right fucking through them.

My hope is that I am becoming a stronger and better person. My hope is that the hard of this makes me stronger, makes me more human. It is easy to shut people and experiences off, but it is not right. It is easy to feel confused, lost, and alone. It is easy to want to give up and release so many of the responsibilities I have.

That's not the answer. The answer is not walking away. The answer is stepping up to the plate, confronting the insecurities, and becoming stronger, braver, better.

Here we go.

I worry sometimes about not being a good teacher. Today I found myself pleading with my students to behave. They did not respond well to my pleas. I need to trust my authority. I need to make sure they are doing edifying work, true, but as a student teacher I have no control over that. In lieu of such responsibility, then, I need to be strong with these kids. They do not need another friend, and I don't want to be their friend. I need to stand up.

That said, I need to realize how awesome these kids are. The dances they follow are great social movements. The comedians they watch offer great material to study in class re: social beliefs. The fact that some kids skate, tag, draw, and play a lot of sports is really awesome. There is so much to tap into. So, I need to 1-be strong and 2-utilize the kids' awesomeness for the class. They, understandably, have no desire to do boring work.

I worry sometimes about being incapable of being in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend. I can do it, I want to do it, but sometimes I get messed up with insecurities about stupid stuff. I have done a lot of interior work on my being non-judgmental, and in fact I am hoping to become a great person who really accepts everyone. My stance regarding drugs and smoking is that the stuff is not for me, so sometimes when I realize that my girlfriend has a different stance it throws me off. I know that it's fine--we're different people--so I need to get over this. I think it is just insecurity. I can do this, though. I can get through this.

How? I can realize that we have been together for a long time (over a year now) and I know she loves me. I can realize that during all the times we have been together the uncomfortable times have been very few. I can realize that she is a good person with good friends. I can be optimistic and believe that when we are together we will have a good time and be relaxed. I can really internalize that she cares for me and wants me to feel good. And lastly, I can accept myself fully and unconditionally for who I am. That, I think, is key for me to be able to accept anyone else. I notice that secure people are tolerant and that insecure people aren't. So, I need to feel good about me. It's something I don't think about that often, but it's probably the reason I feel like difference somehow threatens me. I need to realize that there are different strokes for different folks, but that doesn't mean I have to do things differently. I am fine just as I am, and so is my girl. I am loved by her and I love her in spite of the little things. We are just fine.

I have to get right. I have to be better. I have to step up. I will do this. I will make it. I am doing so.

One step at a time. I will make it. I will get to where I need to be.