He has lost ten pounds since coming home. At hearing her say they can’t talk tonight, for example, he almost cries. He is an addict, and he feels incapable of eating, his stomach a tight ball.
Yes, he is too needy. She is freer perhaps, and she may not need him like he needs her. Could that be true? That kept him awake last night, made his feet sweat under the covers.
He knows it is not healthy. He begins to think the best thing to do is just break it off. This is not how he really feels.
She tells him that people tell her she has an open mind. He believes to have an open mind as well, to be one of the more unassuming people he has met. He has seen a lot of weird stuff. He thinks people are good, believes in redemption but also does not blame when it doesn’t happen. These things are beyond me, he says.
He thinks most of this is happening because of lack of self-esteem and lack of reading and writing. These things seem to humanize him, and his self-esteem is low because she feels so fine without him and he feels so hopeless without her. He has lost ten pounds. She has not. He needs to understand she loves him. He does not seem to get it. Reading and time and reflection and friends, these things seem to help. Human things. Get him out of his head.
Today she says she is watching the TV and will talk to him in half an hour. Is that rude? He doesn’t know quite what to say. He was the one who said they should talk later. He can wait. It is fair. It is not rude. Why does he have to convince himself? She is a real person; more real and well adjusted than any of the other girls he has dated. She seems to always keep things in perspective, whereas he does not really ever do that and cannot seem to occupy his free time (too much of it!) in anything else besides thinking about her, which probably drives the two of them crazy. If only he had more of a hobby. He is tired of waiting. This is not normal for him. If only he had something in which to invest. He needs a job, a new space.
He has an open mind, is calm and accepting and sympathetic and has always been great with young people, with his friends, with everyone. He is not racist or homophobic and he does not judge or discriminate people for what they have done or not done. He knows guilt is poison and is working on his savior complex. He worked with homeless youth for a year and met countless sob stories, gangsters, and addicts. He believes in faith, in religions, in ortho-praxis but not ortho-doxy. He has seen poor people, known them well, eaten their food. He doubts these things because he wants so much from her. He wants her everything. He is crazy, probably.
He does not really want to go to Europe. Actually, he really does. He would love to see lots of things with her. He doesn’t quite know what to say about it all. Sure, it would be fun. He would never have really gone, or thought about going, if it weren’t for her. As long as she promises to love an insane man like him forever.
He is in love and lonely.
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