Things I like to read/write about:

El Salvador, politics, race, soccer.

Things I could do to write more:

Take a journalism class at JCCC. Write on this blog. Get in touch with people and ask them things and write articles

Or not write more.

This is a bit tough. I'm here at the library with the purported intention of grading papers, but I find myself distracted. Am I interested in teaching? Am I interested in getting better? Of course. I was telling Weston that the hardest part of being a teacher is the solitude and uncertainty. I asked hard questions of my students at parent-teacher conferences, and only one perturbed me, but sufficiently so that I'm sitting here doubting. "Are you learning?" I asked. "Not really," he said. "Translate that for your mother." And as I heard the exchange in Spanish, I wondered where I had failed and why I was even interested in doing better.

Is it simple burn out? Articles from online education sites say it may be. Sometimes I feel stuck. I see young people improving themselves, hear myself telling them to strive for their dreams. But what are my dreams? Am I realizing my dream? Then I wonder: Is it foolishness to think about these things? I have a great job; what am I complaining about?

What would I miss? The team, the fellow teachers, working with young people, the passion, the agency. I like waking up early and the duty of preparing young people.

What wouldn't I miss? The pressure. The solitude. Grading papers. Planning lessons late at night.

Where would I go, anyways? I always end these semi-crises pessimistically, realizing that there are no jobs in KC, no real options for me to write. The KC Star isn't hiring; we have a house and want to start a family. Is there a better way to have this debate with myself?

Wed.

My girl is here, sleeping. She got in last night. It's been great so far.

Sometimes it still astounds me how much she loves me, how much I love her, how much we deserve to be together. It's time to make the moves so that we can be a couple, a real couple.

She was telling me about her friends, about weddings and parties. I think a deeper reason why before I used to feel insecure about all of this was that I was unsure, or at least, so messed up in my mind, about whether she loved me or not, whether this was worth it, whether it would last. I was feeling insecure about the relationship, and thus I felt insecure about being with her friends, being in her world.

Now it is time to feel good, to feel better. To realize that my girl loves me, to realize that her friends also love me, and me for me!, not because I am anyone else. That is important. That is me. I am worth it. I am an amazing person.

This makes me feel much better about everything, about us, about her friends, about her. I know that she loves me. Not because she has never loved before, but because she loves me. For who I am. That's good. Reason to celebrate.

I decide. I am good.

In honor of NYC, my home.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzORRh6lzg4

A great song by Beirut. "East Harlem."

Tuesday: My girl comes!

 Okay, so my girl is in the Miami airport right now. I'm exhausted; I've spent the entire day (except for lunch with a friend) cleaning the apartment, running errands. I bought groceries, went to the dry cleaners, did laundry, cleaned the apartment, went to the bank (twice), bought wine at the wine store, bought flowers, ironed all my dress shirts, and am now chilling out in front of my computer with a beer. Phew. And she hasn't even come here yet!



I'm looking forward to her visit a lot. I want to have a lot of fun with her. She's a great girl, and I want her to feel that. I want her to feel loved, and I want her to really have a good time here. There's so much to do! There's so much to see. Of course, I'm looking forward to the late mornings in bed and the kisses and back rubs and stuff, too :)

I've made two resolutions for the New Year: 1) Stay positive; 2) Have fun. I want to be with her on a permanent basis. I deserve it, she deserves it, and we as a couple need to go for it! We can do this!

So while she's here I want to stay positive and have fun. When I head to El Salvador I also want to have fun with her, her family, our friends, and the people I have grown to love there. There are a lot.

I've decided to finish my program here at NYU in 1.5 years instead of two. It's what I want.
I've decided to sign civil union papers with my girl so that we can begin to live our lives together.
I've decided that it's time that I be happy, truly happy, that I fight for what I want, that I stop trying to be strong, stop trying to be independent.

Why? Because I'm strong, independent, and my own person already.

I decide how I want to live. I want to be happy. I deserve that. I am happy, actually. I like who I am, who I am becoming, the process I'm in, the life I'm preparing to live. I like all that about me.

It was a good holiday. I got to see my family and spend time with my niece. They keep me positive, remind me who I am, what I want, where I come from. It's important to remember that, always, even when I'm not at home. I think I can do it.

One of the things I like best about my girl is that she helps me be happy in the giddy, silly sense of the word. I like that.


I'm listening to the new Beirut album "The Rip Tide." It's amazing!

Nelson George's article in the NYTimes on current African American cinema is awesome. I saw him speak at the Brooklyn Book Fair this fall.

So listen. I know every once in a while I mess up and say stuff I shouldn't. Last night I reacted poorly to my girl because she was talking forever and she mentioned taking a shot of tequila with her buddies and it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way because I was at home here reading, doing nothing, and I think I get jealous.

Yet I'm getting better. I get stronger every day. I get more confident. I build, crescendo, I move, sans bravado, I know who I am, comprendo. I am doing this. I am ready to have fun with my wonderful girl. She is amazing. I will call her right now, finish this beer, put on my jacket, get on the train, and wait for her to come see me. I have an amazing life. I have earned this, worked for it, deserve it. I like it. I love it. I love me. I love my girl. I love this.

Family portrait :)

Great video. Beautiful song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Lucky and Adventurous

My father mentioned today that my girl must be pretty adventurous to still be with me. It's true! After all, I am from a different country in a new city and not exactly sure of where I'll be in three years. I can't offer her the certainty some dude from her own country and her own financial situation could offer her. Sure, I've got my gifts--got a whole lot of them--but it's important too to remember that I'm lucky to be with a girl willing to take risks.

I forget about that sometimes. You know, sometimes I forget about how she is taking a big risk. I should remind myself how incredible she is for betting the farm on me, so to speak. She is investing in me, in us, and I really appreciate that. For her, it would be easier, I'm sure, to just call it quits and get someone closer to home.

She must, then, recognize that I am an amazing person. I need to believe that more often. I need to realize how amazing I am, how talented and passionate and good I am, not only for her, but as a person in general. I have so much to offer, so much so that she is willing to take a big risk with me. I'm no superstar, either, so it fits to say that she really loves me, she's really putting forth her 100%. I need to be more thankful of that. I need to realize how great it is to be with someone who really wants to be with me.

Of course, I am daring as well. I am an amazing person who also is betting a lot on her. It would be easier to dump her and set my sights on a girl from NYC. It would be easier. Yet I know we love each other, I know this is worth it, and I know that I am getting stronger every day. She's at a dinner party right now with some friends; I hope she has a great time. I don't want to worry about whether she smokes or drinks or anything. I know she is a great person, capable of sacrifice, capable of weathering the storm for me, capable of a lot. I am the same. I am a great person, I am willing to take some hits, I am capable of so much. I like knowing that I am an amazing person with so much to offer.

I like knowing that I love me--in fact, I need to do it more often. I need to love me more. Today--maybe because I'm tired--I felt a little negative, a little worn down and pessimistic. It's a constant process. As my friend Errol said, it's one of working to be better every day, a process of having a positive attitude, a positive approach, every single day.

Yes, I want to be happy with her. I want her to be happy. I want us to be happy together :) I want to go to El Salvador with my head held high, happy and proud of myself. I want to do the same thing with her: find some town to live and make a happy home where we are both fun and free and in love. I want that. I can do that. I deserve that. It will work! I am happy to be me. I know that if I am true to myself and in to me, I can do great things, just by being me. One of those great things is loving a great woman.

That is my New Year's Resolution. That is my life resolution. I am ready to try. Oh, my girl, I love you :) Here we go. Day by day. God, give me strength. Me, let me just be me. Free. Me. Love. Respect. Love.