Friday. Tough AM, getting stronger.

This morning was tough. I couldn't sleep last night, so I was up until around 2AM tossing and turning, running thoughts through my mind, turning them over like prayer beads, flipping them like coins, trying to figure out how to feel about it all.

This AM was tough because I talk to my girl and she tells me about a ton of parties and friends and lunches and I feel a little left out of it all. I don't have any of that coming up here.


I do have, however, a good brother with whom I'll eat dinner and see a show tonight. I also have a party that I'll go to tomorrow. I have some good times here, and my friend Anthony is with me in the thick and thin of it all. I am a smart man and a talented one and my professors know my names and I like being in school. I just found out today that I can get certified very easily for teaching Spanish grades 7-12. That's awesome. I just have to pass two fluency tests, and with all of my time in El Salvador and my good Spanish I'm not worried. That would be nice--to walk out of NYU certified to teach in two languages! That would be great--having studied in New York, London, and also being able to teach English and Spanish. I'm going to do it--it requires no extra coursework. #Goodnews ;)

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So I have to keep doing me. I have to keep having faith in me, my life, my talents, my goodness. In my heart of hearts, I am happy my girl has a lot of good opportunities to have fun. She deserves it! We all do. I can't worry about jealousy and lament my situation as too difficult--I like knowing I'm doing the best thing for myself right now. I like knowing I'm challenging my beliefs and trying to be the best teacher I can. I like how I have the balls to take leaps of faith.  I can't worry about what my girl does--I have to trust that she will do her life as best she can. I can only do me as best I can. She's there in El Salvador going to weddings, having fun, eating and going to parties and living in her community. That's good. I am happy for her; after all, I wouldn't want her to be unhappy, and I certainly wouldn't want her to have no friends, no life, no goodness. We all need that.

So I guess I just have to stay up, keep doing me, keep bringing myself, my whole self, into the world. Every day. It gets hard--it's never been easy--but I am learning. I genuinely feel that I am getting stronger and better and more positive. I genuinely feel I am growing and learning more about myself and having faith in who I am. I am an amazing person. I am everyone's equal. I am just fine just as I am. All this stuff about my girl's smoking, partying, whatever--you know, I just gotta keep doing me. I don't think she's a bad person. I know she has good values and wants to be with me. She loves me--that's the most important thing to remember--that she loves me. I think we'll be fine.

I've been wrong on this one. I've been unable to see how good I am. I have to realize that. I have to accept me, and I think that will help me accept her.

I am fine. I am good. I remember once that someone in Kansas told me that I had to have more faith in my beliefs and stand up for what I believe. To be confident in who I am. I am. I am doing that every day. I am trying every single day to be that person, that young man from Colorado that has been a lot of places and met a lot of people and changes a lot of lives and loved and been loved, hurt and been hurt, learned and taught. I am a young man, 26 going on 27. I am a fighter. I am a fighter. I am working on this every day, and I know that I am doing my best right now, oh yeah. I am doing this as best I can right now. I got good music on my computer right now, I am about to eat and then finish this final, I am doing as best I can in all of this. I am TWS. I am TWS.

Her smoking--she can have her smoking. It shouldn't make me feel bad because she's doing something bad or being someone else. She's not--smoking for her is something she does when she's having fun. She deserves to choose and to have fun--that's cool. I can't mess with her right to choose, to choose whatever she wants. I don't need to focus on that or let it distract me. I just have to focus on accepting me for who I am. She loves me. I need to remember that, too. She loves me. She loves me.

She doesn't want me to change. I don't have to like Woody Allen or Bourdain or Stereo--in fact, I don't. I don't have to agree with her on everything; there are so many other things we have in common or can do together and we have a love that I feel is genuine. Genuine as in real. As in authentic. What that mean? That mean I gotta be as authentic as I can. With myself, with her, with everyone.

With that: authenticity, as my goal, I'm going to march out into all of this. My girl has a good life, I am struggling with mine, that's how it is. But I still have to be authentic, I still have to be real and authentic and know in my heart of hearts that I am incredible, that I am amazing, that I am a good person exactly as I am and that I can love the shit out of myself.

I am getting stronger. I don't care if I repeat myself, or contradict, or do anything. I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong in this space, my space. I am trying to get stronger.