Thinking ahead.

Here in the plane heading to Kansas. It's weird: I look outside and see nothing. This solitude was so common for me in El Salvador--the stars late at night, the quiet mornings, the feeling of being alone. Yet in NYC, it's something I never experience. It's caught me by surprise, and it makes me think of the plains of Kansas I knew in my adolesence, the forests of Washington, the hills of El Salvador.

I think I am getting stronger. So much of this depends on approach, on attitude. I have done good things in NYC. I have made some great friends--yes, I have! Errol, Athena. Owen, Hiro! I want to get more involved in #OWS, I want to be a good student teacher, I want to be good on long distance with Viole. I want to support her. I want to go to London 4 the summer. I did well in my classes! I did very well. To be honest, I think I'm one of the stars of my program. I have my own ideas, have passion, have experience. I am doing things right.

I think of my upcoming trip to El Salvador and sometimes get nervous about it, about being with my girl's friends, about being in bars and going out and doing all of that. The key is to feel good about me, to stand strong in my identity and sense of self. I am amazing, and I want to walk there smiling, happy to see people, happy to be alive and doing what I like to do.

Yes, I am here. I am coming more fully into me, into my identity. I am not alone. I am loved. People care about me. I feel good about going to El Salvador; it is the right thing to do.

The therapist in El Salvador was right-- I need to be doing something good, be around people who understand me. With my friends, my brother, my work, and my beliefs now stronger I am doing that. My time in El Salvador is about sharing with people who were part of my process of becoming. They are part of a great time I spent with my girl. I am happy to revisit and share with them again. At least, the people who were part of that, well they are part of who I am. They are who I need to see.

The kids in the Resi
My family and friends in Chalchuapa
Armengol, Silvia, Cristian, Simon
Edwin, definitely Edwin
Emily and Rofo
Ruben

These are things that I decide. I used to shun hanging out with my girl's friends because it made me feel awkward and left out. But, they care about me and support me. I'm not one of them, but I want to have fun and laugh. Stay strong and true to me-- I got too far away from that. I am an amazing person.

I used to only wanna be w/ my girl's family because they were tame and took good care of me.

But look, I'm realizing two things: one, I am amazing and two, my girl is a good person and so are her friends. They are fun, smart, caring people. They don't want me to be or say anyone/thing else. I am great just as I am. I am amazing and doing great things!!! I think they know that. And you know what, they are good people, too. They are honest, fun, and willing to love and support me. I want to support them, too. I am a person who is complete, who is fun, who is a really positive force in a lot of lives. I will continue to be so.

So, I just stay strong in who I am and who I am becoming. I celebrate with those who have shared with me. I walk forward. I walk forward.

All of this can be great and fun and love if I want it.

Love. Respect.