I've left El Salvador in many ways. It's still in my heart. I still keep in contact with many friends there. My wonderful girlfriend still lives there.
Yet it's not the same. I'm no longer in the Peace Corps, haven't been since July of this year, one that's quickly coming to a close anyways. I no longer live in San Salvador. I still speak Spanish everyday, but that's because of where I am now: New York City.
I am at the close of my first semester here. It's been good. I student teach in the Bronx, am taking 13 credit hours in a graduate program of English Education at New York Education, and live with my brother. We have a wonderful apartment. I have maintained a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend over the months even though we are far away. She comes here to New York City soon. I have been reaching out and making new friends in school. I am working hard to become a good teacher in my school. I want to do well.
These experiences have had their share of difficulties, but I've learned the best way to get past things is to go right through them, to go right fucking through them.
My hope is that I am becoming a stronger and better person. My hope is that the hard of this makes me stronger, makes me more human. It is easy to shut people and experiences off, but it is not right. It is easy to feel confused, lost, and alone. It is easy to want to give up and release so many of the responsibilities I have.
That's not the answer. The answer is not walking away. The answer is stepping up to the plate, confronting the insecurities, and becoming stronger, braver, better.
Here we go.
I worry sometimes about not being a good teacher. Today I found myself pleading with my students to behave. They did not respond well to my pleas. I need to trust my authority. I need to make sure they are doing edifying work, true, but as a student teacher I have no control over that. In lieu of such responsibility, then, I need to be strong with these kids. They do not need another friend, and I don't want to be their friend. I need to stand up.
That said, I need to realize how awesome these kids are. The dances they follow are great social movements. The comedians they watch offer great material to study in class re: social beliefs. The fact that some kids skate, tag, draw, and play a lot of sports is really awesome. There is so much to tap into. So, I need to 1-be strong and 2-utilize the kids' awesomeness for the class. They, understandably, have no desire to do boring work.
I worry sometimes about being incapable of being in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend. I can do it, I want to do it, but sometimes I get messed up with insecurities about stupid stuff. I have done a lot of interior work on my being non-judgmental, and in fact I am hoping to become a great person who really accepts everyone. My stance regarding drugs and smoking is that the stuff is not for me, so sometimes when I realize that my girlfriend has a different stance it throws me off. I know that it's fine--we're different people--so I need to get over this. I think it is just insecurity. I can do this, though. I can get through this.
How? I can realize that we have been together for a long time (over a year now) and I know she loves me. I can realize that during all the times we have been together the uncomfortable times have been very few. I can realize that she is a good person with good friends. I can be optimistic and believe that when we are together we will have a good time and be relaxed. I can really internalize that she cares for me and wants me to feel good. And lastly, I can accept myself fully and unconditionally for who I am. That, I think, is key for me to be able to accept anyone else. I notice that secure people are tolerant and that insecure people aren't. So, I need to feel good about me. It's something I don't think about that often, but it's probably the reason I feel like difference somehow threatens me. I need to realize that there are different strokes for different folks, but that doesn't mean I have to do things differently. I am fine just as I am, and so is my girl. I am loved by her and I love her in spite of the little things. We are just fine.
I have to get right. I have to be better. I have to step up. I will do this. I will make it. I am doing so.
One step at a time. I will make it. I will get to where I need to be.
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